Different Types of Whisky Drinkers

There are lots of different kinds of whisky out there, and just about as many different kinds of whisky drinkers. It’s a diverse culture and which type of drinker you surround yourself with can have a significant effect on your experience. To help guide you on your journey I’ve compiled this list.

snob

The Snob – The snob only drinks single cask, single malt Scotch. They may or may not own a decanter; if they do own one, then they’re blissfully ignorant of how terrible decanters are for whisky. The snob has never tasted Jack Daniel’s, mostly out of principal. They also usually write a successfully agreeable blog that appeals to other snobs. They never swear and get an enviable amount of free shit.

antisnobThe Anti-Snob – The Anti-snob usually loves crap like Old Crow and Ancient Age. They incessantly repeat that age doesn’t matter. The Anti-Snob loves ice and also loudly proclaims that people are entitled to their own opinions. They are easily infuriated by people who’s opinions are that ice, Old Crow and Ancient Age are awful. They call people snobs for having negative opinions while completely unaware of the irony of their own demand that people never imply demands. When they meet a garden variety snob, both drinkers are pulled together and cancel each other out in an explosive flash of light, having been transformed into pure energy.

The Status Drinker – The Status Drinker has an enormous whisky dungeon… sometimes next to their porn dungeon. Nobody is really sure how much it costs or whether the owner is capable of drinking it all in one lifetime. They love to tell long-winded stories about certain bottles and brag about obscenely priced ones, but will never drink or sell them. Probably lonely, and may be existentially depressed. They almost always own whisky stones, whisky condoms (whatever those are), an aerator and $200 worth of assorted glassware. Curiously, the Status Drinker also has the exact same opinion about any brand as the one published in Whisky Advocate magazine.

The Loyalist – This one is a peculiar fellow. The Loyalist claims they love whisky… but only drinks one brand, like Jameson. In fact, you’re pretty sure they haven’t tried anything else, ever. When presented with a brand outside of their experience they don’t know what to do or say. The loyalist is easily identified by the frequency with which they posts pictures of their brand on Facebook or Twitter. Getting upset when you go out and their brand isn’t available, the Loyalist often willingly drinks Coors Light as a replacement.

MelThe Mel Gibson – In true asshole form, the Mel Gibson often buys rare whisky while it’s still widely available and immediately tries to sell it on the Bourbon Exchange for a 300% markup. They are bizarrely self-righteous and ironically out of touch with the things they love. Frequently, they tell you things are blasphemous. The Mel Gibson usually hates Jews, but only vocalizes it when drunk, and always needs a long series of meaningful punches in the face.

The Cigar Guy/Gal – The Cigar Guy or Gal always disagrees with your comments about the flavor or aroma of particular whisky, because they can’t really smell. They also make wild accusations like, this Auchentoshan Valinch smells peaty, this Ardbog is terrible, or this whisky is great with this cigar. Will make your house smell like formaldehyde and cat urine if you give them the chance. Smells bad even after showering which means they’re also very likely to slay your face with their perfume, cologne, or Axe body spray.

Diet Coke GuyThe Diet Coke Guy/Gal – Hangs out at dive bars and only owns shot glasses. Might still be in college. Can I get a chaser with that? Make it a Diet Coke. What are you talking about? Diet Coke is delicious! The Diet Coke whisky drinker never sips their whisky. They are also completely comfortable with honey flavored Dewar’s and don’t see what all the fuss is about. Their counter tops are chronically sticky, and despite their inability to enjoy the flavor of hard liquor, they have an impressive, full-stocked bar.

The Googler – Loves Jim Murray and top ten lists. Googlers might even write a few lists themselves. Pappy Van Winkle is da shit! Also, there is no difference between Pappy Van Winkle and Van Winkle Special Reserve; it’s all, apparently, Pappy. Buffalo who? Hold on (typing typing typing)… oh, I get it; yeah they’re good, too. The Googler paradoxically believes that Bourbon can only be made in Kentucky, despite the accessibility of the Federal Code that defines it. The Googler doesn’t follow one blog so much as Google whatever whisky they want to know about and take whichever blog comes up as gospel.

The Contrarian – The grand hipster of whisky, The Contrarian invariably hates whatever you like. They think the old stuff was better and only drink cheap swill, but claim to have loads of high-end whisky experience. Sometimes seen wearing bowties, the Contrarian often smells bad and listens to annoying music while drinking.

No EThe Grammar Whore – This one swears there’s a difference between whisky and whiskey. The Grammar Whore is also blissfully unaware of the etymology of the word and would much rather attack your spelling errors than have a conversation about whisky where they can respectfully disagree with you. They typically love unnecessary distinction, semi-colons, and Oxford commas. The grammar whore not only knows what an ad hominem attack is, but has used that very phrase at least twice while making an ad hominem argument themselves.

The Troll – Pretty much anyone who is going to comment on this post with some snarky bullshit. Bourbon sucks, Scotch sucks, and Canadian whisky really sucks. Yes, I’m talking to you. Trololololol.

yours truly

Yours Truly

The Blogger aka The Know It All – The Blogger is the hugest dick of them all. They often make fun of random whiskies and people for increasingly esoteric reasons. May or may not be a brand whore. Probably doesn’t know what they’re talking about and has a hard time just enjoying a whisky without having to vocalize dumb observations about it. The Blogger often lords over people for things like whether or not they have business cards, whether or not they accept or disclose free samples, the size of their collection, people they know, or how much better they are at writing than you are. Avoid at all costs.

 

25 thoughts on “Different Types of Whisky Drinkers

  1. Michael Rathbun

    A neglected category is, perhaps, “The Explorer”. I claim to be one of those.

    In the end, I don’t really give a rabid rat’s patoot about somebody’s refined, rarefied and educated opinions. I’m gonna buy it and see if I like it. If I like it, I’ll buy it again. If I want to put water (or ice) in it, I will do so — after all, I bought it, I own it, and I get to consume it in any way I want.

    Reply
  2. Bill

    “The Pedant” – Usually makes comments suggesting new categories that have been generally covered in the article.

    Reply
    1. Shane Post author

      Awesome!!! An adventurous spirit is important in life; have you thought about giving Canada Dry a shot? I hear it’s made with real ginger!

      Reply
  3. TheQuietDrinker

    What about the guy who just likes to get his buzz with some good stuff? He knows some names. Tries them. Gets buzzed. Goes to bed. Never blogs. Occasionally does something over the top (for him), like have a $50 glass of whisk(e)y (whose name he can’t remember and whose taste is long forgotten) and a Cuban cigar at the Bar Hemingway in the Ritz?

    Reply
    1. Shane Post author

      I like where you’re going with this. Make it funny and try pitching it to me again. We may have a few positions opening up!

      Reply
  4. Mike

    Dude, you know you’re the Troll. Don’t deny it.

    Never met a Kentucky Bourbon that I didn’t like….

    Reply
    1. Shane Post author

      Oops! Under the picture of myself in the article I meant to type Yours TROLLy. Good catch! If you ever make it to New England I’ll buy you Diet Coke!

      Reply
  5. Arfnotz

    A while ago I was housing an out of country artist for a festival. I went to the local grocery store owned liquor store and bought a handle (not my term, but I like it.) of cheap bottom shelf Scotch. Passport, Vat 69, I dunno. Not important. I bought it to have cheap booze on site, and if we needed better, so be it. And I’ve had experience with high end scotches, liked most of them but I’m no expert.

    Artist arrives, unpacks, I offer a drink, he accepts. I pour two shots out of his eye sight. He drinks, nods, and days “McClelland’s ?” he askes. “No, NO NAME BULK” I answer. He says: “not bad.” so now thats what I drink…

    Reply
    1. Shane Post author

      Was the artist a hipster? I mean, you want my honest opinion? If you’re not drinking Jeppson’s Malört, you may as well be drinking milk, momma’s boy.

      Reply
  6. John S

    One glaringly missing category:

    The Whisky Drinker.
    Someone who drinks whisky, has their own preferences and favourites just like everyone else but enjoys many, has a varied palate and doesn’t piss over everyone else’s opinions. You know… like most people who drink whisky. If your experience of whisky drinkers doesn’t include The Whisky Drinker in the majority then perhaps you should seek out friends from other social circles.

    Reply
    1. Shane Post author

      Ack!!! At least warn me next time so I can shield my opinion from ironic opinion-piss that might rain down out of your opinion! Remember, it all goes downhill and nobody likes an anti-snob. Thanks for the comment, John!

      Reply
  7. Athena

    I agree with Rathbun above….but I’m underwhelmed with the bitter, whiney note in the writer; God Forbid anyone should dare to disagree with him! Lol !
    Signed,
    A passing Troll

    Reply
  8. Coolio

    I am so happy to hear I am not the only soda-pop whiskey chugger!
    I used to “Jack up” thin glass bottles of Diet Pepsi with Jack Daniels to hide how much I drank while bartending. How did you know I never sipped it?

    I’ll soda-pop troll ya by saying Diet Coke sux!

    Reply
  9. Coolio

    Most of my anti-snob, redneck buddies would say things like “why let ice ruin the taste of Jack Daniels?”

    It may have hypocritical that we had Red Man Chew in our cheeks as we drank, which likely interfered with the taste, and the cheap cigars never fooled anyone into thinking we were snobs.

    I think the worst thing we did as anti-snobs was to get hungry, order Dominoes, and effectively do pizza chasers while slamming JD in our Iowa Hawkeye shot glasses. It was greasy, but we were hungry, and it may have choked back some of the potential throw up from too much cheap beer, chew, and JD going down.

    Reply
  10. Cool Curt

    I don’t give a flying fuck about if it’s whiskey or whisky (depends on if you are irish or not).
    I also don’t give a shit about the pricetag…either i like it or i don’t.
    The whiskey should have the full flavour to come out…so a diet coke in a good whiskey, would be damned near a sacrilege.
    If a distillery can make a whiskey better than my own…i would gladly give a good penny for it.
    Cheap crap like Johnny Walker, doesn’t even deserve to be called whiskey…it’s just plain out shit..!

    Reply
  11. Todd

    Was searching why whisky smells like formaldehyde only to realize was the neatsfoot oil on my hand. Very funny post.. with truth intertwined. I was going to pick Status Drinker then i read it and saw I have my whisky dungeon, sometimes next to my porn dungeon.. omg funny. Because I always once upon a time wanted to have a little stash equivalent to a light bar.. haha

    Reply

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